unrestrained jane

digital holding tank for memories that hijack my thoughts

Tag: narcissist

One Year No Contact: A Snapshot of the Chaos That Once Was

One year of zero contact with the psychopath con artist (literally, not figuratively). That’s one year ago now, since I “woke up” and protected myself and my family from the man who deceived, depleted and abused us so coldly and calculatingly. I’m finally eligible for divorce; this will happen as soon as I can afford the associated financial costs. 

In that year I’ve healed physically from his abuse, and I’ve largely healed emotionally, but still won’t ever see the world the same way. The damage is lasting in some ways… mainly trust issues. Trusting others and trusting my own judgment will never be the same. 

I haven’t said a lot about what happened, but to celebrate this day, I offer you a glimpse into what I survived at the hands of this one psychopath…

I’ve known him since we were teens. I never had reason to question the things he’s shared with me about his many unfortunate experiences and his many amazing accomplishments. We take the things our friends tell us at face value… at least, I used to. By this time last year I had shockingly uncovered that almost everything he’d told me over the years was a lie of some sort. It all fell apart for him because I persisted and wouldn’t ignore that voice in me that told me to survive. 

In September of 2012 he arrived, from his hometown across the country, on my doorstep, with two suitcases and a backpack. He claimed he’d been drugged and raped at a swingers party and that it’d been arranged by his girlfriend of 5 years, with whom he had two step-children that came out of two separate affairs she’d had while they were together. He claimed he’d contracted HIV from the rape and that his father, who allegedly abused him sexually as a young boy, had banished him from the family home for being an “aidsfaggot” and that his girlfriend beat him and his mother up and abducted the kids that he had sole custody of. He was still on WCB from a forklift accident he had the year before. He was a mess and humbly asked for a couch to take a break for a few weeks while he figured out his next move. I took him in. 

Four months later I’d somehow fallen in love with him. It was magical… he was *perfect* for me in every way. I didn’t care if he had HIV, or was hurt and couldn’t work and had step-kids he was fighting for, etc. The baggage  didn’t matter. We were soulmates. It felt like I’d fallen in love with my best friend. I’d somehow fallen so deeply that I agreed to a rush wedding in April 2013, just four months after we started dating. It was one of the happiest days of my life (at the time).

In the past year and a bit, it was revealed (with undeniable proof for each fact) that pretty much everything was a lie…

– The HIV was a lie. He maintained that lie while I had to go on anti-retrovirals for six weeks due to a condom break a week after our wedding, and then again six months later when I was cleaning and stuck myself with a used needle (I had no idea he was using needles in the house!!!) He never had HIV, and he knew it. He went to great lengths to fake it and to milk as much compassion, opportunity, and pity as he could. 

– The allegations that his father sexually abused him were a lie. The accusations and events he put his poor family through are bone-chilling. I’ve seen very colorful medical, psych and juvenile criminal records dating back to his childhood. He’d been diagnosed by one psychiatrist at an institution he was at as a psychopath as a teen. He put his parents and sibling through sheer hell. 

– That his step-children aren’t biologically his and arose out of infidelity was a lie. They are his biological children; he’s a deadbeat dad. He threatens to abduct them or harm their mom, and keeps her living in fear. 

– That his children’s mother beat him and his mother was a lie; in fact, he struck her, more than once. He tried to press charges against her, making her life hell. She’s still afraid of him; as am I, so I don’t blame her. 

– That he got raped at a swingers party was an elaborate lie to set the stage for the HIV lie so he Gould gain pity and opportunity. 

– That he had been clean of hard drugs for many, many years was a lie… he hid a painkiller addiction that turned out to be an IV heroin addiction (when his crazy does shine through, he blames it on “addiction” and “PTSD” to encourage pity for him). 

– That he has ever had cancer was a lie. He faked liver cancer about a decade ago. And is currently faking advanced liver disease and interferon treatment. He even made conflicting statements in the media this past Xmas when he was featured on the local news, HuffPost and local newspapers (for begging for food via Reddit). He later got called out on Reddit and subsequently largely deleted (or set to private) his previously large web presence complete with various fundraising campaigns (all for his own pocket money). 

– That he has the capacity for empathy or has ever truly cared for or loved another human being was and is a lie. He is a predator through and through. There is no cure. 

The list is not exhaustive. Not even close. He crashed my car, strained relationships with and stressed out the kids, smashed electronics, ruined my house, destroyed friendships, isolated me, drained my bank and credit, made false claims to doctors and police, berated me with abuse daily, and tried to destroy my reputation. He *almost* broke my will to live. The list goes on…

THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU. IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE. Trust me, I am the last person who anyone thought would be duped by a psychopath. I’m experienced, jaded as fuck, educated, and intelligent But it still happened. 

I am now one year free. He has a criminal record for assault and breaching probation by violating the no-contact condition. And he legally cannot come near me or my children. I have regained myself, and my life. 

I share this because it happened. I share this because my story is valid and because I AM NOT ASHAMED and I believe our society needs more awareness about psychopathy and sociopathy, as well as domestic abuse in general. 

Questions, comments, or sharing your experiences are most welcome. This was written from a place of healing, not anger. I’ve reclaimed my peace and strength. You can too. 

(written March 7, 2015; picture added January 4, 2017)

The words don’t always come, but the feelings always do

In seven weeks, my sociopath husband will have been dead for one full year.

You’d think I’d feel safe. Well, I’m not going to lie to you, I did cancel my alarm monitoring service many months ago, and the anxiety has lessened incredibly. The kids feel safer. His bio-kids are safe. Their mother doesn’t have to worry. His mother and father can get off the roller coaster. Lots of worry was put to rest. The sense of desperation left.

Having said all that, I can promise you that I am not 100% free, yet. I still have nightmares. I still doubt my decisions and judgement. I have horrendous PTSD and it has bled into all areas of my life. Work, parenting, socializing, sex, intimacy, and everything in between. 

I don’t think I will ever be entirely free. A little part of me will always cringe, wince, have nightmares, doubt my judgment and second guess everything. At least I don’t fear for my life anymore, at his hands anyway. 

I’m still not done wading through the wreckage he left behind. Collectors still call me. He still gets mail here. There’s death certificates to be corrected (spelling error and address error), and I have to figure out if there’s a widow certificate or how that works. And he left me in a royal clusterfuck with tax arrears that came long before we met. It’s all on a shelf. In a box. Where it sits. And will continue to sit, for now.

I think I mentioned before that the one thing that did stop was that I could finally stop monitoring his schemes online to keep my finger on the pulse in case he was plotting to come back for us, as he threatened so many times. He’s not coming back. Ever. I saw it with my own eyes. I had to. 

The final autopsy report is still not in, but the coroner confirmed it was diverted methadone and oxycodone, in addition to his huge prescribed methadone dose. An overdose, at his own hands. I know it wasn’t on purpose because he left his computer on, logged onto everything. His narcissist and paranoid sociopathic ways would never permit him to allow that kind of invasive background to be known about him upon his demise. No, it was a  accident. It just finally caught up with him. Nobody was surprised. 
I am one of the lucky ones. I got out after only 10 months of marriage together (after 18 years of friendship). He died one year later, almost to the day.

He changed my life forever; my eyes are wide open now. 

Big Eyes

The true story of Margaret Keane was turned into a movie, last year, by Tim Burton. It is a true story about a single mom artist who marries a perfect seeming guy within a ridiculously short time of meeting him. He seems like a dream come true until he takes credit for all of her work, holding her hostage, forcing her to produce. She uncovers more and more lies and it only gets worse.

Walter Keane has clearly got NPD or falls somewhere in the psycho/sociopathy scale. The court scene wherein he represents himself makes that clear.  But she’s strong and her story is another version of our story, the story you all know. He died lying, 30 years later, bitter and still living in a web of lies. And she thrives, still painting today

I recommend the movie.

I just got the knock…

… police came to my door. My was-soon-to-be-ex husband died in his sleep last night. I’m in shock. It’s all over; he can’t hurt anyone anymore. I’m saddened by the tragedy that was his life and death. As next of kin, a widow, I have to make arrangements. I authorized the autopsy. I’m in shock. My emotions are all over. 

Snakes in Suits

I’m currently devouring Snakes in Suits by Paul Babiak & Robert Hare. I am thoroughly engrossed. Can’t get enough of this subject; it’s fascinating. That’s it for now, back to the book.


Vulnerability or fear? The risks of openly discussing sociopathy

Three thoughts…

(1) I have been considering going back to university, at the grad school level, to study narcissists/sociopathy. Some of the world’s leading experts are at institutions near my home, and my undergrad degree is related. I’ve been holding off, however, to ensure that the interest persists once there is more time between my personal experiences with narcissists (most recently my soon-to-be ex-husband) before diving in. I am not 100% sure that I want to commit that much of my life to surrounding myself with this heinous topic. It feels like a strong calling, but I don’t want to rush it.

Do I really want to immerse myself in their world as a profession? I’d have to be around narcissists. What if I got duped by one that I was interviewing or observing? Even Robert Hare speaks of getting duped in one of his early jobs working in the field. Would it lead to emotional unrest over time? Would it affect my children? My quality of life?

(2) I have a lot to say, but haven’t posted much here yet, and I’ve been reflecting on why that is the case. I frequently have urges to delete this blog. When I stop to investigate those urges, it seems to come down to a fear of exposure to further injury at the hands of narcissists/sociopaths. I fear narcissists once in my life will determine my identity (we all know the Internet is never truly anonymous), or, perhaps more likely, new ones will use the information I post to woo and groom me as a future target. It’s frightening. I feel like I’d recognize the signs, but again, even experts get duped.

I read some comments on a popular WordPress blog from sociopaths. It *terrifies* me that there are angry sociopaths leaving comments on her site, yet she seems unfazed and even pastes their comments for discussion as feature posts. I’d be having nightmares about being on their radar. They are insidious and so it feels incredibly risky. The alternative of keeping it all inside and censoring oneself out of fear seems unhealthy; frankly, it feels like the sociopath still owns me. How do other bloggers feel about this?

(3) I saw “Gone Girl” last night. It was incredible!! I’ve heard a lot of people comment that it was unrealistic. That kind of thing wouldn’t happen. Well, it seemed completely (and insanely) legitimate to me. I felt validated that Hollywood made a film that was so relatable for people like us, who have seen the face of insanity and been gripped by it. Any other film recommendations?

I’ve only just started blogging, so I don’t expect much response, but I welcome all feedback!

Less than eight weeks to go…

On March 2nd, 2015, I will finally be eligible to be granted a divorce from my narcissist/psychopath “husband” as it will have been one year since he got jailed and the protection order went into place. I remember parts of that night with vivid detail; he was full on exploding and I was dancing on eggshells and trying desperately to mitigate the inevitable fallout from his chaotic rage… and then, it was like a switch flipped somewhere in my head, and I knew I had to make a fast and clean break or I’d lose what little I had left of me. I barely knew myself by that time… brainwashing is an understatement, it felt more like a personality lobotomy.

As I spoke to the police officer, my phone rang with a call from the local ER. The woman at the other end of the line said something about my husband being safe at the hospital where he was receiving treatment for the injuries he sustained during our falling out. She also said she was concerned as he reported that I had overdosed. I knew then that it was going to be even harder to leave him than I thought.

Protection orders only do so much. I found out how little they mean when they kept letting him out on his own recognizance each of the three times he breached in the week following his arrest. They did do three psych evaluations in remand (one was even voluntary on his part – he has no fear) and he passed them all with flying colours… the poor guy was a victim of PTSD, an addict “in recovery” and suffers the impact of trauma having been sexually abused as a child by his father (which incidentally never happened)… and who lies about stuff of that magnitude?! I mean, he fit all the DSM-V criteria for PTSD! A narcissist, that’s who. A narcissist can lie about anything without shame, because he has zero ability to feel empathy. He can fool the psych people (and anyone, really) because he knows exactly what criteria he has to mimic to get the right results. He’s spent his whole life emulating behaviours that indicate and invoke emotion in others, because that’s his ruse, his personality camouflage. He’s a pro.

Now I’m a pro. Well, maybe not a pro, but I’m heavily armed with tools to recognize narcissistic/psychopathic behaviours and to set and maintain healthy boundaries. It’s a work in progress, and it’s insidious the ways in which being the target of a narc effects you. I never thought I’d get out and heal. I never thought I’d get over it. But here I am, living proof that it is possible to get past it, and not just squeak past, but to thrive.

Fuck you, MisterZero (my pet term for him on this blog), because I’ve got my life back and you’re stuck with yourself forever.

Sociopath need for control, stalking, hacking, and snooping

I found this article to be bang on.

Dating a Sociopath

Whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, you no doubt felt on β€˜lock downβ€˜, meaning that he knew, and had control about everything that you were doing, who you were speaking to. He will go to extreme lengths to learn what is going on with you. Remember that in the beginning the sociopath assesses you, for your worth? Well he is constantly assessing you, and to make sure that you will not escape him.


What is interesting, is that despite he wants control over your life, he is also very private about his own life. He will do everything to have control over your privacy (there will be no personal privacy with a sociopath), it feels like one rule for him, and another for you. Not only is he controlling, and you feel suffocated, you will have no idea what is really going on in his life in…

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