unrestrained jane

digital holding tank for memories that hijack my thoughts

Month: January, 2015

Vulnerability or fear? The risks of openly discussing sociopathy

Three thoughts…

(1) I have been considering going back to university, at the grad school level, to study narcissists/sociopathy. Some of the world’s leading experts are at institutions near my home, and my undergrad degree is related. I’ve been holding off, however, to ensure that the interest persists once there is more time between my personal experiences with narcissists (most recently my soon-to-be ex-husband) before diving in. I am not 100% sure that I want to commit that much of my life to surrounding myself with this heinous topic. It feels like a strong calling, but I don’t want to rush it.

Do I really want to immerse myself in their world as a profession? I’d have to be around narcissists. What if I got duped by one that I was interviewing or observing? Even Robert Hare speaks of getting duped in one of his early jobs working in the field. Would it lead to emotional unrest over time? Would it affect my children? My quality of life?

(2) I have a lot to say, but haven’t posted much here yet, and I’ve been reflecting on why that is the case. I frequently have urges to delete this blog. When I stop to investigate those urges, it seems to come down to a fear of exposure to further injury at the hands of narcissists/sociopaths. I fear narcissists once in my life will determine my identity (we all know the Internet is never truly anonymous), or, perhaps more likely, new ones will use the information I post to woo and groom me as a future target. It’s frightening. I feel like I’d recognize the signs, but again, even experts get duped.

I read some comments on a popular WordPress blog from sociopaths. It *terrifies* me that there are angry sociopaths leaving comments on her site, yet she seems unfazed and even pastes their comments for discussion as feature posts. I’d be having nightmares about being on their radar. They are insidious and so it feels incredibly risky. The alternative of keeping it all inside and censoring oneself out of fear seems unhealthy; frankly, it feels like the sociopath still owns me. How do other bloggers feel about this?

(3) I saw “Gone Girl” last night. It was incredible!! I’ve heard a lot of people comment that it was unrealistic. That kind of thing wouldn’t happen. Well, it seemed completely (and insanely) legitimate to me. I felt validated that Hollywood made a film that was so relatable for people like us, who have seen the face of insanity and been gripped by it. Any other film recommendations?

I’ve only just started blogging, so I don’t expect much response, but I welcome all feedback!

Less than eight weeks to go…

On March 2nd, 2015, I will finally be eligible to be granted a divorce from my narcissist/psychopath “husband” as it will have been one year since he got jailed and the protection order went into place. I remember parts of that night with vivid detail; he was full on exploding and I was dancing on eggshells and trying desperately to mitigate the inevitable fallout from his chaotic rage… and then, it was like a switch flipped somewhere in my head, and I knew I had to make a fast and clean break or I’d lose what little I had left of me. I barely knew myself by that time… brainwashing is an understatement, it felt more like a personality lobotomy.

As I spoke to the police officer, my phone rang with a call from the local ER. The woman at the other end of the line said something about my husband being safe at the hospital where he was receiving treatment for the injuries he sustained during our falling out. She also said she was concerned as he reported that I had overdosed. I knew then that it was going to be even harder to leave him than I thought.

Protection orders only do so much. I found out how little they mean when they kept letting him out on his own recognizance each of the three times he breached in the week following his arrest. They did do three psych evaluations in remand (one was even voluntary on his part – he has no fear) and he passed them all with flying colours… the poor guy was a victim of PTSD, an addict “in recovery” and suffers the impact of trauma having been sexually abused as a child by his father (which incidentally never happened)… and who lies about stuff of that magnitude?! I mean, he fit all the DSM-V criteria for PTSD! A narcissist, that’s who. A narcissist can lie about anything without shame, because he has zero ability to feel empathy. He can fool the psych people (and anyone, really) because he knows exactly what criteria he has to mimic to get the right results. He’s spent his whole life emulating behaviours that indicate and invoke emotion in others, because that’s his ruse, his personality camouflage. He’s a pro.

Now I’m a pro. Well, maybe not a pro, but I’m heavily armed with tools to recognize narcissistic/psychopathic behaviours and to set and maintain healthy boundaries. It’s a work in progress, and it’s insidious the ways in which being the target of a narc effects you. I never thought I’d get out and heal. I never thought I’d get over it. But here I am, living proof that it is possible to get past it, and not just squeak past, but to thrive.

Fuck you, MisterZero (my pet term for him on this blog), because I’ve got my life back and you’re stuck with yourself forever.