Vulnerability or fear? The risks of openly discussing sociopathy

Three thoughts…

(1) I have been considering going back to university, at the grad school level, to study narcissists/sociopathy. Some of the world’s leading experts are at institutions near my home, and my undergrad degree is related. I’ve been holding off, however, to ensure that the interest persists once there is more time between my personal experiences with narcissists (most recently my soon-to-be ex-husband) before diving in. I am not 100% sure that I want to commit that much of my life to surrounding myself with this heinous topic. It feels like a strong calling, but I don’t want to rush it.

Do I really want to immerse myself in their world as a profession? I’d have to be around narcissists. What if I got duped by one that I was interviewing or observing? Even Robert Hare speaks of getting duped in one of his early jobs working in the field. Would it lead to emotional unrest over time? Would it affect my children? My quality of life?

(2) I have a lot to say, but haven’t posted much here yet, and I’ve been reflecting on why that is the case. I frequently have urges to delete this blog. When I stop to investigate those urges, it seems to come down to a fear of exposure to further injury at the hands of narcissists/sociopaths. I fear narcissists once in my life will determine my identity (we all know the Internet is never truly anonymous), or, perhaps more likely, new ones will use the information I post to woo and groom me as a future target. It’s frightening. I feel like I’d recognize the signs, but again, even experts get duped.

I read some comments on a popular WordPress blog from sociopaths. It *terrifies* me that there are angry sociopaths leaving comments on her site, yet she seems unfazed and even pastes their comments for discussion as feature posts. I’d be having nightmares about being on their radar. They are insidious and so it feels incredibly risky. The alternative of keeping it all inside and censoring oneself out of fear seems unhealthy; frankly, it feels like the sociopath still owns me. How do other bloggers feel about this?

(3) I saw “Gone Girl” last night. It was incredible!! I’ve heard a lot of people comment that it was unrealistic. That kind of thing wouldn’t happen. Well, it seemed completely (and insanely) legitimate to me. I felt validated that Hollywood made a film that was so relatable for people like us, who have seen the face of insanity and been gripped by it. Any other film recommendations?

I’ve only just started blogging, so I don’t expect much response, but I welcome all feedback!

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